so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
