The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
