I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
