My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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