I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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