She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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