The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
