Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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