I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
