and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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