I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
