if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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