for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
