I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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