mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
