recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
