I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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