so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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