Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
