Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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