Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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