I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
