i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
