I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
