i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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