i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
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so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.