lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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