If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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