I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
