mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
