i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
