fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
