I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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