you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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