Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
