so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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