I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
