I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
