Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
