I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
