The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
