i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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