between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
