No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
