why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
