I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
