This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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