My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother