best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
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She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
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You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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