The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
