come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
