Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Terrible idea I love it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Two words: nipple clamps
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