I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
