Just fell off a train. Bad.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
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Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
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just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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