I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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